It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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