when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I smell like Dick and happiness
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