so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
