meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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