Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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