420 ftw
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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