I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just forgot I was standing up.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
