i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
