In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
