I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
