used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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