i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
