Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
