you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
