if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize