Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize