Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
