I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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