yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
