I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
