listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
