I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Terrible idea I love it
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
