It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
