We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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