I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
