The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
