We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
