I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
