Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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