After last night, I could never be a politician.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I wear drunk well.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
