Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
