You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
