Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
