Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
