he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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