Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
