I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm really busy with my period
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