Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
