Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize