I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
