i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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