She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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