Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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