She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
