dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I stole a fireplace last night.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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