if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
