I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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