I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
