apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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