I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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