Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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