I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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