Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
