I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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