she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
