Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I want to fling myself into the sun
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
