Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
