Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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