Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
