my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
